Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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