New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
