She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
