Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
