Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
