I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The uberlube is also flammable
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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