Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
