im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
