I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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