We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
