Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
