I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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