yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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