I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize