I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize