giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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