I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Houston, we have a blender
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize