I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
