I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize