i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
