Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
