Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
