Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
