ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
