Need sex. Gaining weight.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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