Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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