I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
