Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
