But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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