i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
