New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
