got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
