Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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