ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
