before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
