i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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