mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
