you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
