First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
