Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
