Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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