I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
