yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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