Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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