Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
