can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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