I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My ass is underappreciated
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
