we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
