it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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