If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
