This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
