eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
