there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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