I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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