I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
