Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize