I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
did i just pee glitter
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
