Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
