Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
