Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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